Burps and Bursts

Sometimes my heart does this thing where it beats really fast and I think that the extremities of my body - my fingers and toes; hands; for some reason, my calf muscles - they feel like they want to rip themselves away from the tendons and bones they're attached to and my heart is going to fall out of place and I’m going to burst. 

Yeah, sometimes that happens.

And when that does happen, I know it’s something important - something nerve wracking or joyous or so exciting that my body doesn't know any other way to respond.

It's in those nervous moments where I stare into your eyes - but really, I'm staring at my shaking fingers and the sky and the cars driving by or the green picnic table - my heart beats. And beats and beats and beats. And it keeps on beating until you call me out, telling me that I'm avoiding the question at hand; laughing when I tell you that I think the burps are becoming a kind of nervous tick. It beats as I tell you I like you and when I tell you that I feel comfortable with you and when I tell you I'm sorry for screwing up and when I tell you I love you.

It beats and beats and beats.

And when I find myself in these moments of excitement, I am so freaking excited. For a second, words stop flowing... And I stumble over the ones that do come because I can not even begin to express what I'm feeling. Then, at a certain point, my brain flips a switch, and words just keep coming and coming, trying to express. But these words are not enough to say that I am happy, excited, joyful, supportive, grateful, freaking pumped as you get ready to ask her. The beating and beating and beating pounds in my chest and I have to stop eating, partially because I was already getting full but I am also afraid I might choke on food because I can hardly function at this point. So I burp, and you can tell I’m excited now.

It beats and beats and beats.

This all might sound ridiculous, but honestly, this is one of my favorite feelings. And people who hear this probably wonder “why in the world do you love the feeling of your fingers ripping themselves away from your body?”

I'd say it's because I love. I love to love these people and I love to think that maybe I’ve been blessed with this privilege of sharing in what they feel. Maybe, just maybe you're nervous too but I can't tell because you don't start burping uncontrollably like I do. And I know my excitement is just a fraction of what yours is right now, but I am honored to share in that feeling with you and burp because of it.

We love because we care. And when my heart beats and beats and beats and beats - beats - beats, it's that moment when I couldn't care more. There's this connection in these moments; there is a sharing of life in these moments; there is a kind of love in these moments -

And in this love, I burp and burst.

And I love it.